A quick update!

Just a brief update for 2012 so far.

The year began with out much of a change to the status quo, however with the pressure of my final year at uni starting to build I was by no means on top of my disorder, however the pressure was taking its toll and it would eventually be a case of something having to give……. And it did!! I did to be exact. I gave myself a break!

I woke up on my birthday and decided to eat! I did’t decide to be OK with it but I decided to do it anyway!

Its been 5 and half weeks since then and ……. I’m still eating! This is the longest period of consistent eating I have managed at this rate, no cheats no compromises!! When it gets tough (which it quite frequently does) I just have to deal with it, its not easy but that is a sign I am achieving something.

Its not as as hard as it was the first couple of weeks so I need to take another leap, I am not going to kid myself that I am done yet, when I get comfortable I will simply push myself to the next stage.

Its a strange sensation of liberation and utter fear all at once but I keep reminding my self the more I dither the longer the process will take so I am taking the feet first jump right in approach! As one of my fellow uni colleagues osted a few months ago
“if you’re going through hell, keep going!”

Damn it

It seems my recovery has taken a bit of a turn and I have lapsed into old habits that have lead to a pronounced loss of weight.

Over the past 3 months my ability to keep on top of my eating has waned, and as I have gradually lost weight so to have I lost the battle to be stronger than my eating disorder.

All is not lost though as I can recognise that I have slipped back in my progress, and I can also hand on heart say I am not happy with being so underweight at the moment, but I am unable to explain why I haven’t been able to reverse the problem.

If I were to try and explain why I think this has happened I think it’s most likely to be because I have probably been worrying about things lately and unwittingly seeking comfort from my eating habits to compensate, thus disguising that I am worried or ignoring the issues I’m concerned about. It’s only now through realising that this has caused a relapse that I can see there are potentially things playing on my mind, up until this point my control of food has worked to block them out.

I have an appointment to re-visit the dieticians on Tuesday so that I can hopefully get a helping hand building a meal plan that will help me get back the weight I had gained over the last year or so. It would probably seem logical to just do what I was doing before I relapsed, but then this disorder has very little time for logic! Its unfortunately just not a simple as it should be! I have such little trust in myself that I will simply question any choices and decisions I make alone, so if I can work with a dietician to draw up a plan I can remove that need to trust myself.

I am also trying to keep my mind focused on the things I don’t like about this illness to keep my motivation strong, (looking sick, not fitting into clothes, being unable to focus on much besides food!), as well as looking up stories of people who have recovered for inspiration and reassurance (this is a huge help, if you have any anecdotes do share them).

Mum recognised the challenges I’m facing last night when she likened it to a dieter who can stick to a diet for 2 days but then finds it too tough to fight temptation and they give up, well for me its similar, I start to eat and the first few meals are OK even enjoyable but eventually the fear gets the better of me and I and am crippled by it.

If I can eat through the discomfort fear and panic I will get there but I have to start asking for help again, something I stopped doing!

Musings

I know it has been more than a long time since I posted anything, and I can’t say that this is the beginning of a new raft of posts, but then that’s always been to point of this blog, I use it when I need it but don’t feel pressure to keep it constantly updated.

So this post is just something I wanted to put down in words somewhere so I can refer back to it to explain my thought process, in case I forget!

I have often spoken to people in the past about my fear that I might lose control of my eating. Naturally people react to this by reassuring me that I could never lose control based on the fact that I have such a strong control and will power at the moment.

I have tried to explain where this fear comes from because I agree it seem’s irrational but for me it is very real and crippling in terms of my recovery at times.

As you can imagine this is something I have given a lot of thought to, trying to understand why it is I am afraid to let go of the control I have.  This is the long and short of it…….

Before I explain I just want to assure you that by understanding the fear I am not excusing it or accepting it , rather I am trying to understand what it is so that I can find away to overcome it.

So this is how I see it:
At the moment when I am not eating enough it is because I am so aware of what when and how much I eat, I do this to prevent my fears becoming reality, i.e. I lose control and overeat.  Essentially I am adopting a mind-set that would be helpful for an overeater to have if they wanted to stop overeating and lose weight!

In order to get better what I should be doing, at least in the short term, is trying to eat naturally, which sounds simple and straight forward, unfortunately its not!  I need to eat without thinking about what or how much I’m eating at the time, or what I will be eating later of have eaten earlier, I need to stop being aware so that I can gain weight.  Any awareness at present leads to control and restriction/compensation creeping in. 

However my fear is that if I stop thinking about what I’m eating or even just loosen up a bit until I reach a point where my weight is healthy and stable, I won’t know when to start being conscious again to maintain that weight.  Its like I’ve forgotten how to eat naturally so what’s to say I won’t forget how to be aware of food in a positive way to maintain a healthy weight.

Its easy to say it just won’t happen but I need to find ways of proving it and believing it, its like any other irrational fear, to those who can see it rationally the answers seems simple but the person with the fear can’t quite see the simplicity!

I hope that makes sense, essentially I want to find out (from future meetings with the dieticians) what methods there are or reminders I can use to stop analysing and over thinking food without fear I won’t know when to be mindful of it in a sensible and reasonable way.

A wonderful Tribute

Former Birmingham Forward chief hailed as an ambassador for city Friends,

family and former colleagues have paid tribute to Richard Brennan, the businessman and champion advocate for Birmingham, who has died after a short battle with cancer.

 

Mr Brennan, who was born in Ireland, moved to Birmingham in 1996 and quickly became part of the fabric of the city’s professional sector.

Shortly after moving to the city he became managing director of consultancy TMI UK – a company he later described as one of the best he had ever worked for, saying it gave him the chance to “make a difference”.

In 2003, after leaving TMI, he set up his own management consultancy – Strategic Alliance – working with senior teams on strategic business planning. He was also involved with the West Midlands Council of Economic Advisors, Birmingham Professional DiverCity, the Regional Finance Forum and Business Voice West Midlands. He also worked regularly with the Prince’s Trust.

In recent years he was best known for his work as a passionate champion of the city, most notably in his role as chief executive of professional lobbying group Birmingham Forward.

In 2005, he publicly resigned as a member of the organisation, criticising the lack of support for member firms.  But in February 2006, when Simon Hughes stepped down as chief, Mr Brennan was challenged to see if he could take on the job – and accepted with alacrity.

He was a key mover behind many of the developments in the city’s structure, including the setting up of an administrative court for the legal sector, which was finally completed in April 2009 after years of lobbying. He was also a prime mover behind the creation of the Colmore Row Business Improvement District, a body set up to promote the companies in the professional quarter of the city.

Jackie Hendley, the chairwoman of Birmingham Forward, said: “Richard was passionate about Birmingham. An adopted Brummie, he called the city his home having moved here in 1996 and has spent the last four years as chief executive working with Birmingham Forward to boost Birmingham’s reputation and inward investment in the region.

“Richard has done a fantastic job for Birmingham Forward, and the city as a whole.”

Mr Brennan continued his work at Forward until just weeks before his death. He said the thing he liked most about the city was “the real connectivity between the business community” and his chief ambition in his working career was “to continue to contribute to the success of the city”.

Former colleagues and friends paid tribute to a man who had made a huge impression on the fabric of the city’s professional society.

Jerry Blackett, the chief executive of Birmingham Chamber of Commerce, said: “We have lost a dedicated advocate of Birmingham. His contribution to promoting its reputation and encouraging inward investment will be sadly missed.”

David Clarke, a former chairman of Birmingham Forward who had known Mr Brennan since his days at TMI, added: “Richard was enormously energetic and determined – with a far-reaching strategic vision.

“He was committed to everything in which he became involved – whether in business, in support of voluntary or social enterprises, young people and, above all, his wife and his family. He was a just man, always fair in his business dealings, with strong values and an infectious enthusiasm. As a business mentor he was unrivalled. He was a true gentleman.”

Mr Brennan died on July 19 aged 58, six months after being diagnosed with the disease. He is survived by his wife Grace, daughters Vicky and Lise-Ann, and sisters Shelagh and Marylu.

He will be received into the Blessed Robert Grissold RC Church in Balsall Common on Monday, July 26, at 5pm. A requiem mass will be held on Tuesday, followed by cremation at Robin Hood Crematorium.

Donations in lieu of flowers to Macmillan Cancer Support or Marie Curie Hospice.

Lifes to short

Quite literally! Jason (to whom I am so grateful) and I woke to a call from Vicky early this morning to let me know that Dad had not been to good during the night and was asking for me to come home. Heather came to collect me and drive me home. When I arrived I discovered the build up of pressure on Dads brain had caused a seizure in the early hours and that he felt he was ready to leave us. We have spent the day with him praying and chatting but he is barely able to stay awake for more than 15 minutes.  The good news is he is as peaceful as I have ever known him to be.  He has continued to be an incredibly dignified and awe-inspiring man even in his weakest moments. From the day we learnt of Dad’s condition my reaction has been one of practicality and organisation, which on the surface can seem rather numb and detached but only the other night I was talking to him and I apologised that my behaviour may not be that easy to understand, thankfully and heart warmingly he told me not to worry, that I was just like he was and because of that it was very easy for him to understand me. Hearing that both lightened and broke my heart all at once. We have been utterly blessed with love and support from friends, family and neighbours.  On friday one of our neighbours brought her two young son’s over with a lemon drizzle cake they had made for dad and tied up with a pretty red bow.  Mick and Heather have been incredibly kind and helpful and today another neighbour went, and in the words of petter kay, got us a ‘big shop’ at M&S without us knowing. I have been humbled by the kindness we are being shown every day and it reaffirms my belief in what a wonderful and adored man my Dad is. Thank you all.

Its been a while!!

Hello world

Its been far too long since I posted an update but I’ve been busy having far too much fun!

So since Valentines day its pretty much non-stop with finishing year one of my degree, coming to terms with dad being ill and spending time with the lovely Mr Moss (of tulip fame!)

The new year brought with it the dreadful news that dad was suffering with a very rare form of cancer.  The initial shock of the news took some time to get over but we faced the challenge with as much positivity as we could.  Treatment began fairly quickly and we kept our hopes strong. Since my last update however, we have received  the devastating news that dad’s cancer has become to aggressive for the chemotherapy to be of any benefit, and with the cancer now beyond cure we are facing a very difficult and emotional time.

Dad is home with us now and we are taking each day as it comes.  The support from our close and distant friends and family has been wonderful and we couldn’t wish for more in the circumstances.

We also lost Nana on the 5th March this year as she slowly passed away late on the Friday evening.  We were lucky enough to make it back to Dublin to spend the last couple of days with her and say our goodbyes,  its been a very tough year for Mum so far and where she gets her strength from is a mystery and an inspiration to me.

Aside from this awful news there have been some positive times in the past few months….. I finished my first year of university and have successfully made it to the second year!

I have also been lucky enough to have met a rather lovely man.  Jason and I met on the air when I was covering a shift at trafficlink.  It was the Friday before valentine’s day and after a bit of banter he asked me to join him for a drink on Valentines day live on air!  As my previous post showed he was the perfect gentleman arriving with flowers and treating me to a glass of champagne!  Since that first date I am delighted to say our relationship had blossomed and we are now planing a summer holiday together!  He has also been a great supporter of my radio work and thanks to him I am now the female voice of Touch and Rugby FM!

So all in all life has thrown us some rather rotten apples but we are still able to make some pretty decent cider with them!!

Thanks for putting up with my long silence and I hope I will be able to write again soon!

Tulips and Cupcakes

Its been a fairly busy weekend but a very enjoyable one!

On Saturday I went to an amazing wedding celebration in Leamington. Rob and Sam tied the knot and threw the most incredible mad hatters tea party you could ever imagine, words fail to do justice to what a fantastic job the boys did.  The party was held at the assembly rooms in Leamington.  Between them Rob and Sam had decorated the entire venue, piled 5 long picnic tables with platters of home made cakes, hired a bouncy castle, set up a table of pic n mix and even gathered up a collection of games from jenga to connect four for the guests to play with!!  We had tea and coffe on tap which was sipped from china cups!  And the fancy dress costumes were brilliant.  Thank you both for a wonderful afternoon and here’s to a long and happy union!

Then of course on Sunday it was valentines day, and I was lucky enough to get a beautiful bunch of flowers. I was also taken out for drinks, which included a glass of champagne to celebrate the day!